Turning 30

(either 2 or 3 year old me, I'm not so sure)

I remember clearly putting away my blue skirt thinking; there goes my 3 years of junior high, I will never ever be a junior high student ever again. It was pretty emotional. It was the first milestone that affected me in a way that made me realized that I'm getting older which I had to accept and move on. I was 14 at that time.

Lo and behold, few days ago I turned thirty. Three, zero.

Am I scared? A lil bit... 

... I guess.

I don't know, I'm not entirely sure what this feeling is. Is this fear? Worry? Or is it just a confusion, thinking that I should be more scared than this. Scared of getting older.

I'm not gonna lie, I was terrified of turning 30 when I was hitting 27. Maybe 28 too. For a couple of years the thought of turning 30 had always been haunting me in a way. What have I done with my life, what have I achieved, what I should've gotten by the time I hit 30. All as if my life ends at 30. Which is not true at all.

Weirdly, when I turned 29, for that entire year (except the last couple of days of it), I realized I had close to zero thoughts of 30 waiting for me right there. I didn't look at its face. Maybe it has a scary face, or a friendly face, or you're-being-too-dramatic-about-me face, I don't know. Jokingly I'd say things like 'oh, I'm gonna turn 30 soon, I'm so old', but I was never actually concerned. I actually didn't care almost at all.

Here are possible reasons why I was feeling that way;

1. On my 28th birthday, my friend jokingly put 3 and 0 candles on my birthday cake. She even posted on her instagram wishing me happy 30th birthday (which confused few people). I did straighten the story up, making sure people know I'm NOT 30. But as I blew the candles out, it felt like a burden lifted off of me. If I round up my age, I'm basically 30. Why should I be so scared about it? It's not that big of a deal, right? Right?

2. The obvious: pandemic. It's like a race suddenly halted. Everyone slowing down, together. That way, I have something to blame on about me not doing much in the past year. (Yes, I know life is a not race, but most of the time it feels like it).

3. I found someone who helped me see the world in a broader, much brighter way. I didn't care much about finding someone, wasn't in a rush either. My life in this department was pretty lacking and slow. And I was okay with that. But then this person came. To this day I'm still amazed with everything that brought us together. How life circumstances can change so quickly, it's ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong, I have my regrets. I had moments where I'd be dwelling on too many 'what-ifs'. What if I chose different major, what if I didn't move back here, what if I worked for some company instead of starting a business right away, what if I took that chance of doing masters degree right away.

But then I stopped for a moment to ask myself; what am I feeling right now? Aside from all expectations I put on myself. Sure, my business hasn't grown as big as I want it to be. Sure, I'm still figuring out what I really want to do in life. But am I happy? Do I get up in the morning getting excited over the littlest thing? I do, and knowing I still have that spark in me is enough. That means I'm doing something right, and I shouldn't spend too much time wondering the alternatives.

If I have to sum up the past 10 years of my life in one word, it'd be the decade of intense learning (okay, two words). More than academic learning, I learned so much about myself--the good, the bad, and the ugly. The traumas that shaped who I am, my bad habits, my inability to understand what's going on inside my head most of the time. I read, I listen, I experience. The more I learned, the more I realized how much work still needs to be done so I can be more at peace. It's not a linear progress, it will never be, but at least now for the first time in my life I don't feel completely lost, or worse; oblivious.

Being officially 30, I truly find it exciting (this is not me trying to cheer myself up, I promise you). What's not to be excited about? It's a start again, back to zero, the beginning of a new decade. The scared part of me has slowly disappeared into the background. I heard 30s is when people become more secure with themselves, give zero fuck, and no longer seeking for validation from anyone. I'm desperately looking forward to that.

For now, I'm filled with immense gratitude, for my health, for people around me, for my cats, for the things (even small ones) I've accomplished. I'm glad that when I look back at my life, I can see it all starting to make sense. I guess they're right; everything happens for a reason. All those times I thought I wasted, was not time wasted. 

And to that little girl in the picture, for all the things she's been through for the past 30 years, the resilience she has continued to show, she's amazing and I'm proud of her.